"Sarah, I have to tell you I'm very concerned." were the words my doctor said after getting the results of my mammogram and ultrasound. I knew something was up the day before when the ultrasound tech stopped making small talk with me, and I was certain something was wrong when the radiologist came in to do a second ultrasound. She recommended a biopsy and stated that if this were her, she would definitely get a biopsy as soon as possible; however, I would need my doctors approval. There I had it, my doctor's "approval" was to get a biopsy as soon as possible and his nurse would even schedule it for me.
I couldn't believe this was happening. A few weeks prior to this medical nightmare I had noticed that I had a lump in my left breast. Breast cancer doesn't run in my family and I'm a fairly healthy person but having a lump gave me worry. I called my doctor and went in for a check up, he agreed that I definitely had a lump but he wasn't too concerned and said we should just watch it for a month. I shrugged it off and said okay...the following month I went back in and the lump was still there. My doctor again said that it did not feel like cancer...don't know how a doctor can "feel" the difference...and he was going to dismiss me until I said, "I've never heard of someone having a lump that didn't turn out to be cancer, so this worries me." He reluctantly said, "For peace of mind let's schedule a mammogram." I agreed and told him I would feel better knowing I had done all I could.
The following week brought about my mammogram day (not as bad as you think but not pleasant either). I walked in feeling quite confidant that they wouldn't find anything and I would be able to put this behind me. The staff was lovely and we chatted as I went through the tests. After the mammogram I was asked to wait while the radiologist looked over everything. Soon the technician asked me to follow her to a private room, there she said that the radiologist would like me to have a second mammogram on the right side...that was weird because my "problem" was on the left but oh well I shrugged, thinking perhaps something went wrong with the machine. After this mammogram I was pulled aside again and asked if I could stay for an ultrasound because they found something of concern. I kept my cool and called my babysitter to let her know I'd be late and called a friend to pick Roman up from preschool. I was certain the ultrasound would show "fatty tissue" because my mother had warned me that while breast cancer didn't run in the family, dense tissue did.
After a short wait, it was my turn for an ultrasound. My previous ultrasound experience was always exciting and linked to determining the gender of a baby...this time was definitely different. The technician was nice and easy to talk to but I did notice conversation trailing off as she examined and re-examined my right side. She then said, "The radiologist will come in to talk to you and she might do another ultrasound but probably not because the doctors don't usually do them again." Sure enough when the doctor came in she asked to do another ultrasound. She and the technician talked as they viewed the screen. The doctor pointed to an area on the screen and said that she was concerned about what they saw. There was definitely a mass in my right breast. The doctor suddenly didn't look much older than me as she said, "If this were me, I would definitely have a biopsy as soon as possible." She explained that the mass was about a half inch in size and then I can't remember what she said next other than...your doctor will call you to schedule everything.
As I left the clinic each person who had previously been friendly and chatty was now somber and said, "Don't let this get you down. You have to have a good attitude." The mammogram technician was walking out as I did and she rubbed my arm and said, "I heard the news but don't worry, it's going to be fine. You be strong and hang in there!" I didn't shed a tear, I refused to be sad, I refused to let my normally WILD imagination run away with me. I smiled and nodded and quickly headed to my car. There I called Darin and cried, he comforted me and said it's going to be fine. I said I knew it was but I didn't know how long that would take. I knew I had to get it together to go pick up my kids and I had to hold on to hope.
Basically that's how I felt, I KNEW that I would make it through this but I did not know how long the journey would take. Surprisingly I felt very peaceful and optimistic and yet I knew I needed support to remain that way. I texted my closest friends and family members with the news. My phone was lighting up with texts of support and prayer. I was already being buoyed up! The rest of that day is really a blur now. I know I never got online to research anything - that would have led me down a dark path that I didn't want to know about. I remember hugging my kids much tighter when they each got home and by the time Darin got home I was feeling strong and resilient.
Words can't describe the feeling of strength and peace that comes when others pray for you. It is a tangible energy, like closing your eyes when someone hugs you only to open them and no one is there. It is a deep and peaceful knowledge that God is there and in control, He loves you and has a plan. He has angels all around you but you must be calm to know they are there. That's as close as I can come to describing what I felt during the following days.
My doctor called me first thing in the morning and he said, "Sarah, I can't believe this." I could hear the shock in his voice. "Call it dumb luck or whatever you want but there is no way we would have found this if you hadn't gone in for that mammogram. I just can't believe they found something and to top it off it's on the other side! Sarah, I have to tell you I'm very concerned." I agreed that it was shocking to be in this position. He went on, "It looks to be about a half inch in size but the problem is that is has blood flowing to it." I told him that I didn't understand why that was a problem, in my thinking blood flows to everything in the body. He responded, "With blood flowing to it, that means it's growing. We don't know what it is, hopefully it's only pre-cancerous but that's why you have to have a biopsy, so we can find out what's going on. Do you have any other questions?" I replied that I did but I couldn't really formulate them, as I tried he said that I was asking him to look in a crystal ball...end of questions. I then agreed that I wanted a biopsy asap, he said he would have his nurse handle it. I remember saying something like, "Okay sounds good and no matter what I'm going to be okay."
Darin was standing there when I got off the phone. It all sank in and I started to cry. He tried to comfort me but I told him I just needed a minute. My doctor had said he was "very concerned" and "hopefully pre-cancer"...not words I ever wanted to hear. I got on my knees and prayed and prayed. I wanted to live, I wanted to be healthy, most of all I wanted to raise my family...being a wife and mother was what I feared losing the most. I begged the Lord to help me to find that strength again and to grant me peace. It washed over me, I knew I had to stay strong and optimistic now because once all of the answers came it might be even harder to handle.
The biopsy was scheduled for the following week. During that week the Lord provided for me in ways that I can never repay. Friends and family checked in on me daily. Flowers and gifts were delivered. Prayers went up on my behalf. What I would have previously described as my worst nightmare, became a miracle. I could feel that the Lord provided the strength I needed to be okay with whatever the outcome was and He blessed me with The Most Amazing Family and Friends ever. I was humbled and strengthened. As the weekend approached all of my family and my close friends told me that they were fasting for me on Sunday. I really felt unworthy of such a gesture. As a Mormon, we fast monthly for people who need help whether it's physical or spiritual - it's a personal decision for whom you may fast for. The fast is for approximately 24 hours on the first Sunday of the month and the money you would have spent on food is donated to help the needy. Of course you can fast and pray any time you are facing a tremendous trial. Fasting is a very personal experience, sacrificing physical comfort and accompanying it with prayer brings you closer to God. Again, describing these experiences is difficult because it's so personal. So these great people were having a special fast for me. My friend Laurie Andrews told me that the kids (high schoolers mind you) in her seminary class (early morning religious classes) were fasting for me too - on their own accord. I cry when I think of this.
Sunday was a very beautiful day - although my own family had to stay home due to the stomach flu - I was able to attend a beautiful Sacrament meeting where every word seemed to be meant for me. I knew the Lord was very aware of me. Humbling. In Mormon church services we don't have a preacher, each member of the congregation teaches one another - meaning we have three speakers each Sunday but they are regular members of our church who were asked a few weeks prior if they would speak. That particular day the topic was "Finding Courage Through our Trials" - yep, meant for me. Sister Farr was the closing speaker and her words rang true to me, "The Lord doesn't give us trials to test us for His benefit but for ours. He knows how strong we are because He created us. He wants us to know how strong we are."
After I said my prayers Sunday night and crawled into bed Sunday I felt a surge of courage and deep happiness - I told Darin that someone must be praying for me right now because I can just feel such strength and peace.
The next two days were just as beautiful and I felt prepared when Wednesday rolled around...well, until I actually had a moment to myself. I dropped the kids off at a friend's house and headed for the biopsy. Suddenly all of the fear hit and I think Satan was taking a really good swipe at me - trying to get me down and make me feel scared. I started to tear up and thinking about what would happen if I had to tell my kids what was going on - they knew things seemed a bit strange and mom was getting a lot of phone calls and gifts but luckily they never asked. I could see their faces and my heart was breaking. I started praying again...story of my life, I know...and my favorite scripture came to mind, Isaiah 41:13 "For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee Fear not, I will help thee." Ahhh, I love those words. I repeated out loud, "I'm not afraid.", as strange as that my sound, all the way to the office and I didn't shed any more tears.
The biopsy was actually a very cool procedure. The doctor had a nifty little device that she inserted into my skin (the area was numbed first) and it took out small samples of tissue from the area of concern while a technician held an ultrasound wand in the same area, making sure they got the right tissue. It didn't hurt at all but I did get some liquid bandage and an ice pack. I just rested the remainder of the day and waited some more.
I did a pretty good job of forgetting about things until I heard back from the biopsy (took a few days)- waiting is actually not so bad when you aren't sure you're ready for the news. While cancer was constantly on my mind, I knew that there was a chance it was nothing and I held on to that hope.
When my doctor called I accidentally hung up on him two times and so he had to leave me a message, crazy huh?! He said, "Sarah, this is Dr. R. I'm calling with the results of your biopsy. I'm sorry to leave this on your machine but I'm sure you'd like to hear this. The results were benign, meaning there is no cancer. The cells were all normal, no a-typia. You have fiber cystic tissue which is completely normal, however, it looks like cancer on mammograms and ultrasounds and that's why we had to test it. Don't worry, this is a normal condition but this may happen again when you get your next mammogram. If you have any questions please call me."
Sigh of relief, High Fives, Karate Kicks in the Air, and immediately go to my room for solitude to thank my Heavenly Father first for my good health and second for the mountain top he took me to - with views of beautiful loving people, faith, strength, hope, and courage. He showed me courage that I didn't know I had, love I'd never felt, and peace during a storm. There are many other lessons from that mountain top too - deeper love of family and hopes and dreams that I need to pursue and they all happen to be within the walls of my own little bit of Heaven.
While I hesitated to share this while I was going through it, I decided to share it now with the happy ending. I also wanted to give someone else hope that things often look bleak but that doesn't mean it's over. When you are faced with heartache, turn to the Lord with full faith and He will carry you through. Be open to the lessons and the love that He has intended for you.
With a grateful heart I say good night!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Super Tuesday and Rogers, Texas
This political season - I guess you could call it - has definitely caused me to reflect on my faith in new ways. I've found an opportunity to grow closer to my Savior as I've felt the whirlwind of the world around me shouting - sometimes shouting hurtful words, other times shouting praise, and often times just shouting mis-information. Some days I have felt nothing but pure hatred coming from "men of faith", "scholars", and "every day Americans" in regards to my Mormon faith. Those moments can leave a person feeling very alone and misunderstood and turning to my faith is what gives me peace.
This is not a new experience for me, except for the part about it being on a global scale. I grew up in two small towns in Texas, my family moved to the second town when I was just 15. In this new town I'm quite certain no one had ever heard of a Mormon, much less met a family of 12 Mormons! I can only imagine the types of discussions that happened behind closed doors. Pulling up to the school in a big van and walking my little sisters over to the elementary campus before heading to High School caused quite a sight in the beginning, but the town quickly welcomed us in.
Sure we caused a scene where ever we went and our parent's rules for us were not the norm in the community but my peers never made me feel "less-than" them in anyway. Sure, I got some of the weird Mormon questions but nothing out-of-the-norm until one day a friend said, "Hey did you hear what happened at ___________ church last night? The youth minister told us that Mormons are going to hell and then _______________ stood up and said, "Mr. __________ if you think Mormons are going to hell and the only Mormons any of us know are the Sellers - then we're all going to hell because they are good people." And then he left."
I couldn't believe it. I hardly knew the young man who stood up for me and my family but I'll never forget him. He was a friend when I didn't even know I needed one. There were lots of whispers around the school that day as more people told me what happened. My mind was whirling - why would that man say such things? What purpose is there in pointing us out? I had never been to a church meeting where a leader told us specifically who was going to hell - what threat was I to this man and his faith?
I went to my English class and my jaw hit the floor - the youth minister was my substitute teacher. My heart pounded as he passed out our "busy work" for the day. I could feel all eyes on me as everyone realized that he and I were in the same room. Even at my young age I knew that I couldn't stand silent. I said a prayer in my heart and walked up to the man's desk. He looked more nervous than I did and started shuffling papers. I point blank asked him, "Why do you think my family and I are going to hell?" He reached in his bag and pulled out a Bible and turned to a verse stating that we are saved through our faith. I told him that I agreed with that. He said, "No, you don't. You think you are saved by your works." I replied that I was fully aware of what I believed in and that I do believe that it's important to follow Christ's teachings even though faith in Him is what saves us.
You can imagine the tension in the room, but add to that - at the exact moment on our classroom television was the standoff between David Koresh (spelling) and the police in Waco, Texas. We only lived 45 minutes south of there. The youth minister then asked me what was the difference between Joseph Smith and David Koresh. I could feel my face go red - here it was, here was the moment that I needed to know for myself. Did I believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet, would I stand by him or cower to my seat? I replied, "Joseph Smith never claimed to be Jesus Christ. He never killed his followers. We believe he was a prophet, the same way we believe Moses was a prophet."
I'm pretty sure the bell rang at that time and the discussion was over. I got a few glances from friends who supported me in standing up for my beliefs while others were all too anxious to get out of that classroom (don't blame them). But I left there a different girl. I had stood up for what I believed in and I knew it was true.
Since that time my testimony of the gospel has grown and grown but I wonder if I'm still as brave as my 16 year old self. To be honest, I cringe when I see headlines including "Mormon" and pause before I read the articles. I've stopped reading the comments at the end altogether. I know that being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has been the foundation of every good thing in my life. The friendships and family I have at church is blessing enough, but the comfort I get from reading both the Book of Mormon and Bible brings me peace during these trying times.
While I do hurt when I hear others criticizing my faith - I remember this story that one man stood and said those "damning" things to me as a young girl but there was an entire town of people from different faiths who were nothing but kind to me and that's just what I see when I look out my window.
I hope your faith is bringing you as much peace as mine has brought to me. I don't write this to try and change anyone else's beliefs but if you do have questions about the Mormon faith - please go to the source.
I'm not going to endorse or criticize any of the candidates - I can't fathom why someone would put themselves through this tortuous magnifying glass, but on some level I'm grateful that they are willing.
My real purpose in writing this post is to state clearly that I am Eternally grateful to my Savior, Jesus Christ, for his life and sacrifice for me. I will stand by Him through pointed fingers and name calling because I know He lives and I know that when I have asked Him which way to go in my life, the answer has always come.
I testify of this humbly and with love,
Sarah
This is not a new experience for me, except for the part about it being on a global scale. I grew up in two small towns in Texas, my family moved to the second town when I was just 15. In this new town I'm quite certain no one had ever heard of a Mormon, much less met a family of 12 Mormons! I can only imagine the types of discussions that happened behind closed doors. Pulling up to the school in a big van and walking my little sisters over to the elementary campus before heading to High School caused quite a sight in the beginning, but the town quickly welcomed us in.
Sure we caused a scene where ever we went and our parent's rules for us were not the norm in the community but my peers never made me feel "less-than" them in anyway. Sure, I got some of the weird Mormon questions but nothing out-of-the-norm until one day a friend said, "Hey did you hear what happened at ___________ church last night? The youth minister told us that Mormons are going to hell and then _______________ stood up and said, "Mr. __________ if you think Mormons are going to hell and the only Mormons any of us know are the Sellers - then we're all going to hell because they are good people." And then he left."
I couldn't believe it. I hardly knew the young man who stood up for me and my family but I'll never forget him. He was a friend when I didn't even know I needed one. There were lots of whispers around the school that day as more people told me what happened. My mind was whirling - why would that man say such things? What purpose is there in pointing us out? I had never been to a church meeting where a leader told us specifically who was going to hell - what threat was I to this man and his faith?
I went to my English class and my jaw hit the floor - the youth minister was my substitute teacher. My heart pounded as he passed out our "busy work" for the day. I could feel all eyes on me as everyone realized that he and I were in the same room. Even at my young age I knew that I couldn't stand silent. I said a prayer in my heart and walked up to the man's desk. He looked more nervous than I did and started shuffling papers. I point blank asked him, "Why do you think my family and I are going to hell?" He reached in his bag and pulled out a Bible and turned to a verse stating that we are saved through our faith. I told him that I agreed with that. He said, "No, you don't. You think you are saved by your works." I replied that I was fully aware of what I believed in and that I do believe that it's important to follow Christ's teachings even though faith in Him is what saves us.
You can imagine the tension in the room, but add to that - at the exact moment on our classroom television was the standoff between David Koresh (spelling) and the police in Waco, Texas. We only lived 45 minutes south of there. The youth minister then asked me what was the difference between Joseph Smith and David Koresh. I could feel my face go red - here it was, here was the moment that I needed to know for myself. Did I believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet, would I stand by him or cower to my seat? I replied, "Joseph Smith never claimed to be Jesus Christ. He never killed his followers. We believe he was a prophet, the same way we believe Moses was a prophet."
I'm pretty sure the bell rang at that time and the discussion was over. I got a few glances from friends who supported me in standing up for my beliefs while others were all too anxious to get out of that classroom (don't blame them). But I left there a different girl. I had stood up for what I believed in and I knew it was true.
Since that time my testimony of the gospel has grown and grown but I wonder if I'm still as brave as my 16 year old self. To be honest, I cringe when I see headlines including "Mormon" and pause before I read the articles. I've stopped reading the comments at the end altogether. I know that being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has been the foundation of every good thing in my life. The friendships and family I have at church is blessing enough, but the comfort I get from reading both the Book of Mormon and Bible brings me peace during these trying times.
While I do hurt when I hear others criticizing my faith - I remember this story that one man stood and said those "damning" things to me as a young girl but there was an entire town of people from different faiths who were nothing but kind to me and that's just what I see when I look out my window.
I hope your faith is bringing you as much peace as mine has brought to me. I don't write this to try and change anyone else's beliefs but if you do have questions about the Mormon faith - please go to the source.
I'm not going to endorse or criticize any of the candidates - I can't fathom why someone would put themselves through this tortuous magnifying glass, but on some level I'm grateful that they are willing.
My real purpose in writing this post is to state clearly that I am Eternally grateful to my Savior, Jesus Christ, for his life and sacrifice for me. I will stand by Him through pointed fingers and name calling because I know He lives and I know that when I have asked Him which way to go in my life, the answer has always come.
I testify of this humbly and with love,
Sarah
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